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Breaking the Silence

June 13, 2010 67 Comments

Photo Credit: European Parliament/Pietro Naj-Oleari

Yesterday I was in the elevator about to leave the office, I pressed GF to go down but instead it went up. It opened on the 5th floor and there a man was waiting. He was a construction worker and it was clear he thought that because of our varying class difference he should wait till I was done and call back the elevator. I thought that was silly, we both want to go down to the ground floor, and what a waste of time and energy. We are both human, what is this silliness of class and gender! But it seems the invitation to the ride the elevator meant that it was an invitation to harass. He looked me up and down, his pelvis made the slightest move closer and with a sly look on his face he winked. I shouted at him in the angriest and most assertive of my voices “NO”. His body crumbled and his demeanor became that of shame, he looked away and mumbled “Istagfur allah”, god forgive. We left the elevator.

This is the latest incident of a lifetime of incidents. I have normalized, and for too long, the harassment I endure at the hands of men. Growing up I have been stared at, touched, called out at and, and, and… but I learned to ignore, and become oblivious to it. I lived in a bubble where, in my mind, I was not objectified. Two years ago that changed. A friend of mine came to my house and started a conversation; she asked me “what do you do when you get harassed?” And I immediately said “I don’t get harassed.” What a farce, I get harassed on a regular basis, everyday is an assault of some sort, I just became very good at using defensive tactics that made me invisible, protected me, or just allowed me to disassociate from the stares, the following, the “accidental” brushing, the catcalling…etc.

Throughout the last two years I have worked with my dear friend on an initiative to combat this assault and take a more assertive stand on harassment. We are still working on it. While on this journey I have taken myself out of my bubble and taken notice of every transgression on my body, my being, my soul and I have reacted. I no longer disassociate but instead I engage by being more vocal, more aware and more assertive. Not just with the offenders but with other women too, learning from them and exchanging with them strategies, ideas and tools for dealing with the abuse. For example, last year I was walking down a street in downtown Amman. This man looks at my breasts lustfully and says in the sleaziest of tones “Shu hal ibizaz” (look at those tits). Had I been in my bubble I would have just kept walking without even hearing or acknowledging what he said. That is not what happened. I stopped in my tracks and turned around. I filled my lungs with air and started to tell him off in my loudest of voices, the point was to turn the shame towards him and attract attention to him (shaming the offender and exposing him was one the strategies we talked about and it worked). Being the coward that he was he quickly lowered his head and with a fearful and stricken look on his face he scuttled along quickly like the rat that he is, people were looking at him rather than at me and wondering what did he do, rather than what did I do. I walked away head held high knowing that I stood up for myself and countless other women. I knew that next time, as I am sure there will be a next time, this lowlife will think twice and maybe thrice before calling out at a woman.

These daily acts of violence and aggression, whether physical or not, mean that I have to change how I deal with the world and I hate it. I hate that men like the two I mention leave within me a bad feeling of distrust, anger, and aggression towards mankind. I hate that every time I try to be nice to a man he takes it as invitation to assault my being or body in some way or form. I hate that I have to always be on alert, on guard, suspicious of acts of kindness and withholding acts of kindness. But I have decided to turn that hate, anger and mistrust in to an act of empowerment.
I have experienced firsthand what the power of sharing, talking and exposing these acts of harassment can do, and so I am going to write, talk and expose these acts every time they happen. I will not be silenced, I am not a victim. It is my right to walk down the street with the respect and rights due to me and my body. And when those rights are taken away I will not wait for someone to “rescue” me or fight on my behalf. I can do it myself.

Saed

That's fair enough. And I did take your point into consideration anyway.
Saed

Every person is biased one way or another.
http://twitter.com/SonoArabo Mutassem musmar

A man's reaction to what he sees in the environment around him is his own choice, his reactions are his responsibility, and he is to blame, and his comments reflect his character. I need to make this clear before I respond.
Reading the story above, I understood that the writer has dressed in a way that may have made her stand out, look different than the expected, maybe even made her fall under a stereotype that did not do her justice, that same incident would happen if a man with a long beard or a woman in Hijab walks in a local market in Paris as an example. The out of ordinary will be pointed out, thought of, classified, and the shameful will mouth their shameful comments, and there will be harassment. This is simply an issue of standing out, a fear of change, good or bad.
Right and wrong is defined by each person's personal standards and beliefs, so if the author, or you Susana believe that what they are doing right, they should fight for it, and who knows, you might even change the stereotype :)
please take all my comments as general and do not associate them with just dressing, I am simply saying that this is not a third world society issue
Rania

Quote: They have to be teased in a society where girls do not accept compliments.

There's a difference between a compliment and a harassment. How many times have you told a strange woman on the street, “you're beautiful”? How many times have you said a genuine “shu 7ilweh” or “smalla 3alayki” (things heard on some streets in Beirut, for example)? If you said that, you'd probably get a smile. But there's a huge difference between admiring a person's appearance while still respecting them as a *person* and invading someone's space with dirty language, explicit physical remarks and horribly degrading stares that shame you so much you want to disappear and die. And if you were a woman in Jordan, you'd know that it has nothing to do with the way you're dressed. Just because you're a woman, many men feel that they have to harass you in some way to arouse (and therefore partially satisfy) their sexual needs. And there is always a very strong and intentional element of disrespect about it. Because the man can't have the woman passing him by, he decides to compensate for it by abusing her in every other way possible during those five seconds while she's in his view. And it's insulting, because it treats you as nothing more than a sexual object.

Men don't go out in speedos, that's true, but fortunately for men, there are looked at as people first, and then men. Women are always looked at as women. When you see a woman, any woman, you first see a body. The media perpetuates this, and the way you describe girls looking in the mirror reflects this awful stereotype. The media is always sending the direct or indirect message to women that all you ever need is to be beautiful. I'm sorry; not beautiful, but sexy. The ultimate goal is to be sexy, and if you are, you don't need to be anything more. But here's something for men to know: we do NOT want this. And more than anything, we want to break free of the prison of our exterior image, which I believe is the result of thousands of years of oppression by man.

Men, too, are often stereotyped as walking hormone machines that can't help themselves. And I'm sure they don't want to be reduced to that, as convenient as it can be sometimes (being used to justify unjustifiable acts likes harassment and rape). You, too, can help yourself. RESPECT is the key issue here.
guest

What I meant by posting that link Imad, is if we are constantly telling women to not do this, not to do that, and constantly putting restrictions and limits on their actions, all in the name of 'protecting them'; in effect what we are actually doing is limiting their freedom of expression!!

When you are constantly trying to limit someone's freedoms by denying them the right to say what they want, or dress how they want, or not acknowledging their thoughts and feelings it is a way of saying “you might as well not exist, unless it's on our terms.”
notme

cover up and don't wear tight clothes.. PROBLEM SOLVED!
guesty

the way i described the woman in front of a mirror is not a stereotype! It's reality!
You're missing a big point here! Not all women see what you call as rude remarks unwelcome.. just as rude men (to you and me) call out explicit sexual offendind terms to satisfy their needs.. women (some) welcome these remarks because the remark means that she is wanted sexually.. which satisfies her needs!
women get a huge sense of power from being wanted.. whether the remark is explicit or not does not make much of a difference… the words “shu 7ilweh” mean “i want to have sex with you” just as much as “nice tits”.. the presentation is different but the meaning is the same.. ya3ni… the difference between a compliment and harrasment depends on the girl and the guy..
ya3ni.. on a beach in california.. if you are walking past a girl and you say.. hey! i like your boobs are they real? she would say.. thanks! you bet they are!

probably.. my arguments here do not convey that I am completely against this kind of behaviour whether it is random compliments or insults.. i think men must control themselves AND women should not provoke.. and both done simultaneously..

the fact that women are viewed as objects is not exclusive to our society.. while I agree with you on the effects of the media.. women being viewed as objects is women's fault.. don't blame it on years of opression by men.. because the girls in “carry out – justin timberlake” (check the video on youtube) are NOT oppressed.. THEY want to be viewed as objects! this is just an example..!
Thameen Kheetan

This is great.. but I also believe you have the right, and you should, sue these guys. I mean I know it's a hectic process but you can start with that and always have it as an option. Women's rights NGOs should also support legal action to combat the phenomenon.
Rania

It is definitely a stereotype, one created by the media and tons and tons of regrettably popular music videos that are nothing but degrading to women. There is nothing more wrong than making a conclusion about what women want from things created by men, who use women to reflect the flawed image they have of them (and possibly what they want them to be: objects). These images are very dangerous because they, in turn, make the women who see them think this is what they're expected to be.

Women want to be wanted, that is true, but as people; if being desired physically makes them feel good, it's because it is a path into their self. It is almost always an expression of wanting to be loved and desired as a person, even if unconsciously.

Quote: Whether the remark is explicit or not does not make much of a difference.
The “not much of a difference” is respect. The difference between “you're beautiful” and “nice tits” is the amount of respect you have for the person in front of you, regardless of the underlying desire. It reflects whether or not you primarily see them as an object with “parts” (and therefore it follows naturally that you point out and admire those parts without reservation), or as a person with dignity and character and thoughts, whose body is a private and personal.
How would you feel about women throwing men explicit sexual remarks on the street? Wouldn't it come out as a little offending or invasive at the very least?
guesty

Is the media these days completely controlled by men? It most certainly isn't! Are popular music videos created by only men? Certainly not! You might think it is a stereotype because you are not acquainted with women who do such things. Women have enough brains to know exactly what they want. Some women choose to use their sexuality to progress in a job (which is very unfair to men, but we don't whine about it), others use their brains to fairly compete with men. Only when a woman chooses to be an object is she going to be seen and treated as one. Women freely participate in the videos which you call degrading to women.

Unconsciously, those men who scream out rude remarks are also screaming for being loved! The man who says such things is screaming out: “Please acknowledge my existence and that I may be even remotely appealing to you. I wish I can talk to someone like you.” These men are also victims of the media which arouses them without limits and uses themes and expressions that are appallingly explicit. Men and women BOTH need to be loved, and seek that, sometimes, with the most unusual expressions.

It seems that you think it absolutely unfathomable that a woman might be extremely happy when someone points out her “parts”. What I am saying is that just as not all men are good. Not all women are good! What is categorized as “disrespectful” depends on the person, their upbringing, the things they want, the way they see life and the level of self-respect they have. Obviously when a man shouts out rude comments he sees women as objects, but it is naive to think that if a man says “you're beautiful” then he respects women! The way I see it, it is much more likely that this man is a sweet talker, or a sly player who only PRESENTS himself better. That is why it doesn't make a difference. The better thing to do is to save these remarks and not use them with a woman you don't know.
Imad

Isn't that what your parents did to you? for your own good? Are they bad people?
Pingback: Harassment and the Average JO | 7iber Dot Com
Guest

Read the follow-up article on this issue here http://www.7iber.com/2010/07/harassment-average…
Guest

Read the follow-up article on this issue here http://www.7iber.com/2010/07/harassment-average…
Dina

God bless you, I am so proud of you. Thank you for standing up for me and many other women.
MO

Its funny how people here comment on Oh in the West it is so good. To be honest as Arab-westerner women are treated worse not in terms of harrasment but in respect. Ask all the women in the west how after having sex with a guy they never hear from him again or can they imagine a westerner to go to the extent of an arab man to take care of his wife generally speaking. All im saying theres 2 sides 2 every story. Inshallah the muslim world never becomes like the West in sexual promuscuity. Becuase considering Jordans economic sitution we wont become like Switzerland but more like South Africa.
That being said Good for you for telling this guy off and I think it is womens fault for not shaming them either directly or telling the police or telling there families. Because I guarntee if you did the majority of people would take your side.
BTW every society is a hypocricy. Because no nation lives up to its ideal
Sage

Actually, no, notme. I have seen many girls and even older women fully covered up, some to the extend of covering their faces and still be harassed and followed. Some men just want to “try their luck,” ya3ni they think maybe this one will give us what we want.

It is NOT the woman’s fault, no matter what she wears. Why can the rest of the women around the world wear what they want and not fear being publicly harassed?

Actually, it’s our culture of hijab that makes men feel the way they do, that they can do whatever they want, it’s all the fault of the girl always. I like the earlier comment on forcing men to wear the special horse glasses so they can’t see left or right, I’m sure that would work better!